Fandom: Harry Potter
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. No copyright infringement intended.
Title: Obviously Gay
Pairing: Ron/Draco, (unrequited) Draco/Harry, (unrequited) Ron/Harry, Harry/Ginny(in the distance)
Rating: R
Word Count: ~1100
Status: Complete
Summary: Ron and Draco ponder Harry and Ginny's relationship.
Warnings: Crack and humour. Please don't read if you don't like the pairings. There's no room for ship intolerance in the comments of a humorous Christmas gift fic.
Note: Advent drabble #11. Written for abusing_sarcasm. Her prompt was — A Pureblood Christmas Wedding.

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Obviously Gay


A newlywed couple danced in the middle of the room; a black-haired wizard swirling a red-haired witch around to the delight of almost everyone present.

"Disgusting," Ron Weasley scoffed, watching his best friend and sister smiling at each other. "Ridiculous," he added with feeling.

"Completely," Draco Malfoy agreed from his chair placed right next to Ron's. They each had a bottle in hand; Ron clutched some Firewhiskey and Draco held a bottle of wine.

"I mean he is so ..." Ron waved his hand in Harry's direction, searching for words.

"Gay," Draco supplied.

"Exactly. So gay. He's probably the gayest man I ever saw." Ron frowned and looked at Draco speculatively. "Well, not counting you."

"Obviously." Draco took another sip from the bottle. "But you know what's ridiculous?" Draco asked and promptly answered. "He doesn't even know it!"

"Lost cause." Ron shook his head sadly. "I'm telling you, in a couple of years or so, he'll get it. And then everything's gonna get nasty. There'll be divorces and ... and ... and ..."

"Angst?"

"Angst! And infidelity. And upset children. And all that because neither of them could see that Harry is so painfully gay."

"Sad, really." Draco nodded. "I mean, Potter needs someone a bit less ..." Draco waved his hands around. "A bit more ..."

"Manly?"

"Yes! Well, no. Not overly manly. Not some brute. Just someone who is a man. And has ..." Draco scrunched up his face and thought hard. "A dick!" he remembered.

"A big dick."

"Yes!" Draco grinned. "Wait. Not too big, though."

"Oh no. Harry needs it big."

"But not too big," Draco insisted and spread his hands to demonstrate what would be considered too big.

Ron cocked his head, and then set his bottle down. He grabbed Draco's hands and spread them a little wider. "This big." He nodded, waggling his eyebrows. "Harry needs a dick of exactly this size."

Draco's breath hitched a little, and he looked at Ron with interest. "That is big," he declared, impressed.

Ron leaned back in his chair and picked up his bottle again, looking smug. "Look at that arse," Ron sighed sadly and Draco moved his gaze from Ron's crotch towards Harry's arse. "Isn't it a shame? Why would he have such a gorgeous, fuckable arse if he wasn't gay?" Ron said in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice.

"Well ..." Draco frowned, then cleared his throat. "But Potter is a top. Surely."

"Nah," Ron said confidently. "Not with an arse like that."

Draco bristled. "I think it's very clear that he's a top. A very demanding one. I can just see him grabbing his lover, pinning him to the bed and yanking his clothes off. And then giving him a good, proper, hard fuck ..." Draco trailed off, staring into the distance.

Ron squinted at Harry, then said dismissively, "Nah."

Rudely pulled out of his fantasy, Draco sank back into his chair, taking another sip of his wine. "You know nothing," he accused Weasley. "Potter likes blond men who have plausibly big dicks and like to bottom."

"Blond? He likes redheads. That much is obvious."

Draco grumbled and stared ahead, annoyed. "Whatever. I'm not waiting for him anyway. I'll just laugh after he figures it out. I'll laugh hard." Draco stuck out his bottom lip. "Like this: Ha ha ha!" he demonstrated.

"Yeah. Me too." Ron sniffed.

"He'll be miserable. And it'll be no one's fault but his own," Draco said with satisfaction. "So funny."

"Hilarious." Ron nodded as they continued to stare at the laughing couple, listening to the cheery music and taking occasional swings from their bottles.

"So," Ron asked after some time. "Want to go upstairs and ride my cock?"

Draco looked over, eying the redhead in front of him. "Is it really that big?"

"Thick too." Ron grinned widely. "Durable."

Licking his lips and staring at Ron's lap, Draco considered the offer. "I have nothing better to do," he decided, shrugging. "Someone will probably kick me out of here anyway. I crashed the party." As Draco said that, Ron frowned at him, raising a questioning eyebrow as though to ask 'Why?' Draco raised the bottle in the air. "Wine. Arse." He pointed at Harry. "Laughing at the stupidity of closeted men. I'm having fun here. Clearly."

"Mmm." Ron leaned in closer and peered at Draco carefully. "You know, I always had a thing for blond men."

"Yeah?" Draco fluttered his eyelashes. "Well I always had a thing for ... er ..." Draco eyed Ron's hair. "Men with large cocks."

"Well, Harry's cock, you know ... not that big." Ron shook his head mournfully.

"Really? I knew it," Draco sneered triumphantly. "And how stupid is his hair?"

"He calls that hair!" Ron snorted, looking away and scowling at Harry. "So." Ron waggled his eyebrows again.

Draco looked around, then took a deep breath, and leaned in. He pressed his lips to Ron's, kissing him hungrily, wetly, their tongues intertwining seamlessly.

"Mmm. All right," Draco breathed, pulling away.

Ron smiled widely, showing white teeth. "Is he watching?" he asked, barely moving his lips.

"Totally," Draco snickered.

"Wanker." Ron sneaked a glance in Harry and Ginny's direction, noticing them blinking at them from afar. "Well, he's not invited for a threesome."

"As if we would want him in the middle," Draco scoffed, then made a sad face, imagining Harry in exactly that position.

Ron shook his head vigorously. "Come on, we have better things to do. Alone." He stood up and swayed, but Draco had quickly risen up as well, supporting Ron's weight.

"You're sturdy for such a thin bloke," Ron praised.

"And serviceable. And I can do mad stuff with tinsel."

"We have tinsel." Ron looked around at the large Christmas tree.

"We should take a picture and send it to Potter. To show him what he's missing. I haven't given the newlyweds their wedding present."

"I gave them a dildo and a strap on."

"Caring bloke."

"I try." Ron lowered his eyelashes modestly.

"Well, Potter's loss."

"My gain." Ron cupped Draco's arse with his palms and pulled him closer. "I prefer men who know they're gay anyway."

"Yeah, me too." Draco's hand sneaked down towards Ron's crotch, finding an impressive hardness there. "This wasn't such a bad wedding after all. The wedding couple is dull, the wine was bad, the reception lowly, but I have to compliment the cock-supply. I do know how to pick a party."

"Party's just starting," Ron bragged, pulling his newly acquired blond towards the exit, grabbing some tinsel from a nearby tree and some whiskey from a nearby table. "Ours will be much better."

Draco smiled, still clutching Ron's cock through his jeans, not intending to let it go in the near future. Perhaps only to clutch it with something else.

Together, they looked towards the happy couple once more, then turned around and left without regret. Or, at least, with plenty of alcohol and a large enough cock to drown their regrets. The night certainly looked promising.

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Fin

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